Incidental Lessons From Sugar
Cheryl Strayed is a writer and generally interesting human being from what I've been able to glean from the little I know about her. She wrote a memoir called Wild that was then adapted into a major motion picture starring everybody's sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon.
Though I haven't read her memoir, I have read synopses of her memoir (and accompanying film). She has led an interesting life, full of passion, struggle, despair and joy, among many other things. One thing she has had to deal with is losing her mother. Cheryl was in her 20s, if I remember correctly, and her mother was only 45. It was a crushing blow to her.
Now, many years later, she has compiled a series of her most insightful tidbits about life when she was working as an anonymous advice columnist named Sugar. My lovely friend Kristina sent me this book in the weeks after my mother's death in November 2014, hoping that it would help me find ways of coping with my recent tragedy and be able to move forward.
Kristina warned me (for which I'm grateful!) that Cheryl is very blunt, and very crass. But the crassness aside, I admire that she has been able to take a look at herself, examine what has gone wrong in her life, and choose to move forward and become the best person she can possibly be. Within or without a religious organization, self reflection and a determination to make lemonade out of lemons is exceptionally difficult. I find it much easier when aided by my knowledge of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but it's a challenge all the same.
I have been chipping away at her advice and suggestions and am almost to the end of the book. Readers' problems range from loneliness, body image struggles, family battles, and not surprisingly, loss. Cheryl has a lot to say about loss, and a lot of it is really poignant.
A gem I found today is a response to a man whose son was killed by a drunk driver. The father was wracked with grief over the loss of his only child, as any decent human would be. Cheryl talks about the loss of her own mother, and her response helped me keep in perspective the impact the death of my mother can have on me, and its significance in my life. It is as follows:
What was hardest about mom's passing at the time was that the cancer had really changed who she was. It was so upsetting to watch her demeanor change and be robbed of her true self. In short: her death was "ugly and unfair," like Cheryl put it. Because those are the last memories I have of my mom before she left mortality for good, it's easy to dwell on that. I sometimes have to really try to remember my mother at her best. She was someone that always wanted to help and serve, a person that chose to be happy and make the most of her life, and the best mom a guy could as for.
But what Cheryl said helped me recognize that grieving is almost a wonderful thing in the sense that I was so blessed to have had such am amazing mother in my life for 24 years, and that I have reason to be sad about losing someone. It sucks she's gone, and those last weeks were truly difficult, but it's awesome that I have the memories I have. I'm so glad she showed me how to work hard and earn my keep, that she taught me that the gospel comes first, that she loved a good book and instilled that in me, and that Dr Pepper is life (which is clearly just as important as the other things in that list).
Those memories and shared love are of far greater significance than her physical struggles and my resulting emotional struggles. My mother altered my life so significantly because of the person she was and who she raised me to be. The loss of her will in no way be able to change me in a negative way, but rather enforce the good things my mom brought to my life. I am lucky to have had her as long as I did, and should be (and earnestly try to be) thrilled to be able use all the good things she taught me.
The unexpected side effect of reading Cheryl's responses to the struggles that people present her is how much perspective it has brought regarding how grateful I am for the gospel. Cheryl has beautiful things to say about coping with death, but none are lasting. They are temporary fixes, ways to manage to get off the couch that day, whereas the gospel of Christ brings eternal solace to the equation. Getting off the couch is super important, but the bigger picture is essential.
The Doctrine and Covenants sums it up pretty well in Section 42, verses 45 and 46:
This life is crazy, and the hardest parts are not over. But I'm grateful for moments like these, where I see the gospel makes all the difference in being able to make it through the day and have real hope for the future.
Though I haven't read her memoir, I have read synopses of her memoir (and accompanying film). She has led an interesting life, full of passion, struggle, despair and joy, among many other things. One thing she has had to deal with is losing her mother. Cheryl was in her 20s, if I remember correctly, and her mother was only 45. It was a crushing blow to her.
Now, many years later, she has compiled a series of her most insightful tidbits about life when she was working as an anonymous advice columnist named Sugar. My lovely friend Kristina sent me this book in the weeks after my mother's death in November 2014, hoping that it would help me find ways of coping with my recent tragedy and be able to move forward.
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I have been chipping away at her advice and suggestions and am almost to the end of the book. Readers' problems range from loneliness, body image struggles, family battles, and not surprisingly, loss. Cheryl has a lot to say about loss, and a lot of it is really poignant.
A gem I found today is a response to a man whose son was killed by a drunk driver. The father was wracked with grief over the loss of his only child, as any decent human would be. Cheryl talks about the loss of her own mother, and her response helped me keep in perspective the impact the death of my mother can have on me, and its significance in my life. It is as follows:
What was hardest about mom's passing at the time was that the cancer had really changed who she was. It was so upsetting to watch her demeanor change and be robbed of her true self. In short: her death was "ugly and unfair," like Cheryl put it. Because those are the last memories I have of my mom before she left mortality for good, it's easy to dwell on that. I sometimes have to really try to remember my mother at her best. She was someone that always wanted to help and serve, a person that chose to be happy and make the most of her life, and the best mom a guy could as for.
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| Mama loved flowers. This was in 2011, I think. |
Those memories and shared love are of far greater significance than her physical struggles and my resulting emotional struggles. My mother altered my life so significantly because of the person she was and who she raised me to be. The loss of her will in no way be able to change me in a negative way, but rather enforce the good things my mom brought to my life. I am lucky to have had her as long as I did, and should be (and earnestly try to be) thrilled to be able use all the good things she taught me.
The unexpected side effect of reading Cheryl's responses to the struggles that people present her is how much perspective it has brought regarding how grateful I am for the gospel. Cheryl has beautiful things to say about coping with death, but none are lasting. They are temporary fixes, ways to manage to get off the couch that day, whereas the gospel of Christ brings eternal solace to the equation. Getting off the couch is super important, but the bigger picture is essential.
The Doctrine and Covenants sums it up pretty well in Section 42, verses 45 and 46:
Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection. And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them.Heavenly Father gets that we'll mourn. But He also provides a salve that offers a solution that extends beyond the grave, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
This life is crazy, and the hardest parts are not over. But I'm grateful for moments like these, where I see the gospel makes all the difference in being able to make it through the day and have real hope for the future.
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