ACCORDING TO ZAC

What is it about hearing a song or going somewhere from the past that activates this really distinct feeling I can barely explain? It's happy, but a little sad too. It's fun, but does have a sharp edge on it. “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap gets me feeling that way, and I'm right back in it after finding  this cover  of that song this week. That song takes me to really clear time of my life where I was really flying, right around my sophomore year of college. There were some growing pains then too, but by and large everything was really clicking; my ward was great, I was coming into my own spiritually, enjoying my major, and felt deep satisfaction in the relationships in my life. Back in 2020, as we were still in the early days of the pandemic and social distancing, I wrote about trying to reckon with the nostalgia of the past without overlooking the goodness of the present, which seems very akin to what I'm feeling now. I described it then as a combination of “long...

It’s Sunday night and I can’t sleep. I’m mad about it. But I should have known this would happen; I took a nap at 3:30 this afternoon. As I’ve lain here, my brain keeps going over a surprising situation I’ve found myself in (that I won’t be chronicling in detail here… yet?). It’s something I’m completely surprised by, something I wasn’t planning, yet something I’ve speculated on for a number of years. It also happens to be something I have prayed about but haven’t really found any answers. For many elements of my life I love to use trial and error and know that the Big Guy is waiting in the wings in case things go sideways. Then He and I work to find a better route. However, this is something I was hoping He’d give me the nod for. All I’ve gotten is radio silence. In replaying the last two weeks and forecasting the one ahead, I somehow had a memory pop up from 2015. It was the last summer I lived in Tucson, and we befriended two guys who had moved into our ward for the season. I though...

"Nevertheless, my life is in flux. Though it's going in the direction that it was meant to go, I just can't grasp how anything will ever be like it was not so long ago.” I wrote that in a blog post the summer I turned 21. It was a momentous year: I was waiting for a mission call, I had felt reassured and found joy in pursuing my journalism degree, the singles ward was a fun and engaging place for me, etc. But even among those good things, it didn’t exempt me from the happenings of life. I felt discomfort in confronting the ambiguities before me, including worry about how my relationships would change as I left friends and family for two years. I was so anxious about exiting what might have been the prime of my life to never be able to reclaim it. I look back at that person, now nine years younger than me, and I think, “You have no idea what’s in store.” My mission experience would be incredible, and I’d go on to finish my degree and love it. I came home from my miss...

That Facebook keeps showing me what I posted last year and the year before that is both funny and a little creepy. I'm not sure I want them digging through my past, even though I consciously used their website to share it with the world. But I digress. Apparently at this time last year I was bitter and resented UA. Two years ago I was trying to do some good in the world. I'm not sure where I am today. Mostly sleepy, I guess, with a good helping of happiness.