Good Intentions, Terrible Delivery

I've been feeling a little bit lonely lately, which I will openly admit is kind of dumb. I have to keep telling myself a few things, including: stop being over sensitive, there are a lot of people that love you, and choose your own destiny and chase after it because it'll never fall into your lap.

A summation of my current dilemma:

This all became exceptionally clear to me about a month ago when a few things happened all at once.

The first thing was that my ex-girlfriend moved back into my ward. She was my first (and only) real girlfriend. It was a weird breakup, and I'm still not really sure how I'm feeling about any of it. I know we were right to break up when we did, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss a lot of things about us being together. And not just the kissing or cuddling or stupid things I think a lot of young people prioritize too highly. I miss how we were (almost) always thinking the same thing in an awkward social situation, or that she had awesome book recommendations and such sophisticated ways of thinking about life and the world. She made me a better person. On a scale of noncommittal to engaged, we were somewhere in the middle, mostly because I wasn't sure what I wanted. 

We are friends now, and it has been fun to talk to her, but it's also sent me on a rollercoaster of "what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-and-how-can-I-ever-even-know?" kind of thing.

The second thing that got me thinking about this was seeing "The Age of Adaline" with some friends last month. (Quick digression: Blake Lively is perfect.)  Now, I'll willingly admit that I like your average chick flick, but this one took romantic dramedy to a different level. It was so... existential? I just thought the plight of Adaline never being able to find love was so tragic and relatable, and it really got me thinking.

There were these sweeping shots of San Francisco at night that were gorgeous, and as Adaline faced her life without love, all I could think about was how much I want to travel the world. I really like San Francisco, and I want to go back there. But traveling really isn't enough. I want to travel with my girlfriend/wife. I want romantic companionship, and to be able to share these experiences and grow together. I don't have that right now.

C'mon. Who doesn't want to visit such a gorgeous place?

Mormon doctrine and Mormon culture value families above all else. The last session of General Conference made that abundantly clear, with a startling number of general authorities talking exclusively, or at least extensively, about families. A few of the titles include: "The Family is of God," ""Defenders of the Family Proclamation," "Why Marriage and Family Matter—Everywhere in the World," and those are just from the Saturday sessions.

I totally get it. Our divine purpose here is to learn, grow, and prove ourselves worthy of returning to live with Heavenly Father. A significant element of that, and what has been taught as the ideal way to traverse this earthly existence, is by creating families. My most tender relationships and experiences are those I share with the members of my family. I am anxious to have more of that as a husband, father, uncle, etc.

Where my personal desire to find romantic companionship to help make my life more fulfilling (and actively participate in God's plan as He intended) can be trampled on is when Mormon culture seems to perpetuate a few ideas:

1. Finding the right person is easy! You just have to get out there!
2. Until you're married you aren't contributing a whole lot to society.
3. Love seems totally optional as long as y'all go to the temple.

I felt all of these things in one brief conversation with someone from my home ward while I was at a wedding reception a while back. A man struck up a conversation with me and said he had heard me on the radio. It made me so happy because I was loving my internship and felt immense pride in working hard and producing good content. After briefly acknowledging my work, he jumped straight to "are you dating anyone?"

First of all, I'm not very close with this man, so I did't think it was really his business to ask and for me to be compelled to divulge information. But instead of ask about my professional pursuits, he just used that as an ice breaker to jump straight to my relationship status. It made me feel like I wasn't good for anything except successfully pairing off and fathering children. And since I wasn't (and still am not) in a relationship that might lead to making babies, it felt like I wasn't making anything of myself or contributing to the world, neither of which are true.

This is not the first, and most certainly will not be the last time this happens.

Now, my irritation might sound blasphemous after having already acknowledged that the leaders of the Church are emphasizing this so much. We see that the world, including LDS people, are putting off marriage for myriad reasons. A little applied pressure can do you some good, right? Right. But it can also be damaging, too.

I'm not saying we should be putting dating and marriage off. I'm simply saying that Mormon culture is putting me off.

When the prophet and other Church leaders talk about marriage and families, sometimes they don't talk about how much they love their spouse. They talk about the Plan of Salvation, and how families are the way the plan is carried out. Mormon culture runs with that, and tells me I need to put a ring on a girl's finger as soon as I can. After all, the general authorities said so. Did you hear that? Did you listen to Conference? Don't you know your role? Get on it.

It's almost as if they want me to pick up the nearest 18 year old girl that is worthy to go to the temple, with no regards to our compatibility in creating a sustainable relationship that will be fulfilling for the both of us. All that matters to Mormon culture is doing it as swiftly as possible.

But on flip side of that, many times the leaders of the Church do talk about the love they have for the spouse. Take Elder Richard G. Scott, for example. He talks about his dear Jeanene in what seems like every talk he gives.

I guess what I'm really saying is that Mormon culture skips the love thing. They ask if I'm dating, then tell me the right girl is out there for me, and that I'll find her soon. In the mean time, just don't screw up.

I hate that kind of dismissal of my academic and professional accomplishments, and I hate even more that pressure to find the farm girl and make her buy a white dress. That's not what I want this life to be, and I don't think that's the way Heavenly Father engineered it. I'm looking for the woman that really makes me the best man I can be, and I can't just find her overnight or at your insistence. Eternity is a long time, and I have got to know that this girl is the one I want to spend it with.

And if I truly explained this stress that Mormon culture propagates to everyone that makes me feel dumb, I am certain that they would tell me that it is all about love and compatibility. But the questioning and delivery don't make it feel that way.

I want love. I want the happiness I see in the faces of friends recently married. But I want it on my terms. I've chosen God's terms to be my terms too, so no one should worry about my activity in the Church or long term aspirations. I'm not trying to put marriage off for professional goals or anything. I promise, I'm not.

With that in mind, yes, I am lonely. I need to go on more dates to find the right person to remedy my loneliness, and I get that. No, you don't need to make me feel insignificant until I've found the right girl. Thank you for your courtesy.