Substantive

I'm trying to blog something personal and something of value, but I'm having a hard time. Life is just weird right now. I keep waiting for summer school to be over so I can finally feel the relief of not having deadlines. I keep thinking that once I'm free of the class I can focus on the good stuff, the places that my life is headed in the next little while and feel good about it.

Ultimately though, I don't really think that's the source of the problem. I think the problem is that my whole life is in flux right now, and I can't do anything about it. People are moving, graduating, getting married, getting mission calls, and all this other stuff that is disrupting the perfect balance that I had achieved in the not so distant past. I had to cope with change not too long ago when everyone graduated high school, friends moved away, we found directions for our lives to take, and did our best to establish ourselves as "adults."

Now I'm waiting for a mission call, and while the choices I've made in my life have, by and large, been aimed at this precise occurrence, I can't help but feel upset that it's going to change everything I know in my life. I know with all of my heart that this is correct. I do. But that this time is here is going to turn over everything in my life, and I'm having a hard time cutting ties.

I know I'm not dying by leaving. I'll come back and everyone will be here. And as much as I know I'm not dying when I leave and I know that the people I'm leaving behind aren't dying either, I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting that people will go on without me. Will they think of me like I think of them? About the good times and the laughs? Will they miss me, and pray for me?

I'm afraid the world will leave me behind, which, I know is a totally stupid thought. I'll come home and jump back into life as best I can knowing that I did what God needed me to do. I'll know that the experiences I had are irreplaceable, and that the blessings I'll be granted are because of my diligent work. I'm just not coping with the thought of coming home to a world that is unfamiliar. But the hard part is that in two years, so much changes, and there is no way to stop it. There is no pause button to keep thing just the way I like them while I'm gone fulfilling a higher purpose. And what is sillier is that I know that when I come home there will be a path for me to take, and it will (presumably) make me really happy, regardless if it includes the people that I presently adore, or if new people come along.

I panic knowing that time changes people. I'm not exempt from that. I can very clearly track the changes in my life that largely shaped the person that I am. However, there is nothing I can do for the people I love, and all the nostalgia in the world can't make circumstances like they once were after time has changed the people we are.

I know I'm silly to get all worked up over this. Especially considering I'm doing myself a giant favor by fulfilling my maximum potential as a Latter-day Saint. Nevertheless, my life is in flux. Though it's going in the direction that it was meant to go, I just can't grasp how anything will ever be like it was not so long ago. I don't know what will make me as happy as the friends that have graced me with their presence over the last few years. I know God will always provide a way as long as we do what we know is right. All we can do is do our best. He fills in whatever we can't quite accomplish. That leap of faith is just a little scary sometimes when what you love most seems uncertain to be there when you finally make it back from that little trip of service.

 ::

Side note: I'm remarkably excited to serve as a full time missionary. I know it's what I was destined to do, and I'm anxious to find out where I will go to further the gospel. The church is what really defines my life, and that this is part of God's plan is what makes this all okay in my book.

Comments

streeker said…
That was the scariest thing when I was deciding whether or not to serve a mission: the thought of giving up everything and knowing it would all change while I was gone. I don't think there's a lot to say because it's totally logical to feel how you're feeling. Just know that we will remember and miss and pray for you, and that I'm SO HAPPY this is what you want to do :)
June 1, 2011 at 10:49 PM
Adrian said…
I feel ya dude! I really really hate how my life is on hold and things are uncertain too. I need stability. But change is good... no... change is GREAT! You are going to be doing some mighty GREAT things! CAN.NOT.WAIT for your mission call! And you better believe we'll be praying for you! ;)
June 1, 2011 at 11:10 PM
Adrian said…
p.s. can we be blogging buddies now?
June 1, 2011 at 11:11 PM
Lou said…
Of course we will be thinking of you and praying for you! :) And you're mission is going to be awesome! Yes, people are going to change, but that's what writing is for! That's how you keep up with them and the changes they've made, and how they keep up with you and the changes you've made, because you're going to be learning and growing too! :) Probably more than the rest of us! :)
June 2, 2011 at 12:17 AM
kendle sue said…
change pretty much blows. seriously. it's always hard... but the good news is that it does get easier. you get accustomed to it. and at least your change is for a bigger and better purpose. my change is that everyone i love is leaving for said bigger and better purpose... which really squashes my optimism. haha. just know that i will always be thinking about you. you will always be in my prayers. you may even get a letter or two from me. lol. a mission is what you are supposed to be doing right now. you will grow exponentially while you are serving. this will be a huge blessing for you and your family. i am so proud of you, zacky poo. i will miss you, but i'm pretty sure i'll still be here typing on the parentals' computer when you get back. hahaha...
June 2, 2011 at 1:36 PM
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