Quantifying Goodness
What is it about hearing a song or going somewhere from the past that activates this really distinct feeling I can barely explain? It's happy, but a little sad too. It's fun, but does have a sharp edge on it. “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap gets me feeling that way, and I'm right back in it after finding this cover of that song this week. That song takes me to really clear time of my life where I was really flying, right around my sophomore year of college. There were some growing pains then too, but by and large everything was really clicking; my ward was great, I was coming into my own spiritually, enjoying my major, and felt deep satisfaction in the relationships in my life.
Back in 2020, as we were still in the early days of the pandemic and social distancing, I wrote about trying to reckon with the nostalgia of the past without overlooking the goodness of the present, which seems very akin to what I'm feeling now. I described it then as a combination of “longing and joy,” which might be as close to words as I'll get to describing that singular emotion. I am glad that now it’s old sights and sounds that stir up my heart instead of a viral plague. My year-in-review on Spotify last year definitely used “wistful” as one of the descriptors for my music taste, so it's evident this theme is going to be sticking around. What can I say, I’m just a guy with a lot of feelings!
I had a bit of an “Aha!” moment last year that made for a more nuanced take on this specific push-and-pull that longing and joy create. Three years ago I was missing what my life had been and felt a sense of mourning that I’d left behind the good old days before I knew that’s what they were (to quote Andy Bernard c. 2011). Those feelings were certainly valid. But I was looking for good things in life almost as a consolation for not getting to have the old era back. Now it has dawned on me that my life is just at good as it ever was; there's nothing deficient in what's going on. While life has evolved, it doesn't mean it is less than. It’s just the natural course of time that layers on additional responsibility, complexity, loss, change, and grappling with identity that I hadn’t yet had to face in my early 20s.
This idea that I’m still experiencing the same measure of goodness, just now punctuated by things that are heavier or trickier, has been helpful in maintaining some perspective. After all, my life is full of people and experiences that are wonderful. And in the end, isn’t the growth through some discomfort largely what living is about? Don’t get me wrong, I’d be willing to streamline some of those challenging bits. But those too have also helped me rise to find light in new ways. (I think I've reckoned with this idea before. Like... a couple of times.)
When “Sweet Disposition” plays, or I go see Yellowcard in concert, or I visit Tucson and reminisce on old times with old friends, the wistfulness is still there. How beautiful it is to have formative memories to look back on with positivity! But I think I’m seeing a little more clearly that while life is different (read: way more complicated) than I’d expected it to be, I’m still largely flying like I was almost 15 years ago. Sometimes even for the same reasons: I have deeply meaningful relationships, and I see very clearly how my spiritual work then laid the foundation of what I hold onto now. But now I also have broadened my life to include playing the guitar, finding new ways to connect and serve other people, hiking incredible peaks and stunning canyons, so many concerts these last few years, a job where I get to help people, and so much more.
So come at me longing/joy. I’m ready for you.
Back in 2020, as we were still in the early days of the pandemic and social distancing, I wrote about trying to reckon with the nostalgia of the past without overlooking the goodness of the present, which seems very akin to what I'm feeling now. I described it then as a combination of “longing and joy,” which might be as close to words as I'll get to describing that singular emotion. I am glad that now it’s old sights and sounds that stir up my heart instead of a viral plague. My year-in-review on Spotify last year definitely used “wistful” as one of the descriptors for my music taste, so it's evident this theme is going to be sticking around. What can I say, I’m just a guy with a lot of feelings!
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| This photo feels *very* emblematic of 2010ish. The billed beanie, the nonsensical dog pile, the poor photo quality, the happiness. |
I had a bit of an “Aha!” moment last year that made for a more nuanced take on this specific push-and-pull that longing and joy create. Three years ago I was missing what my life had been and felt a sense of mourning that I’d left behind the good old days before I knew that’s what they were (to quote Andy Bernard c. 2011). Those feelings were certainly valid. But I was looking for good things in life almost as a consolation for not getting to have the old era back. Now it has dawned on me that my life is just at good as it ever was; there's nothing deficient in what's going on. While life has evolved, it doesn't mean it is less than. It’s just the natural course of time that layers on additional responsibility, complexity, loss, change, and grappling with identity that I hadn’t yet had to face in my early 20s.
This idea that I’m still experiencing the same measure of goodness, just now punctuated by things that are heavier or trickier, has been helpful in maintaining some perspective. After all, my life is full of people and experiences that are wonderful. And in the end, isn’t the growth through some discomfort largely what living is about? Don’t get me wrong, I’d be willing to streamline some of those challenging bits. But those too have also helped me rise to find light in new ways. (I think I've reckoned with this idea before. Like... a couple of times.)
When “Sweet Disposition” plays, or I go see Yellowcard in concert, or I visit Tucson and reminisce on old times with old friends, the wistfulness is still there. How beautiful it is to have formative memories to look back on with positivity! But I think I’m seeing a little more clearly that while life is different (read: way more complicated) than I’d expected it to be, I’m still largely flying like I was almost 15 years ago. Sometimes even for the same reasons: I have deeply meaningful relationships, and I see very clearly how my spiritual work then laid the foundation of what I hold onto now. But now I also have broadened my life to include playing the guitar, finding new ways to connect and serve other people, hiking incredible peaks and stunning canyons, so many concerts these last few years, a job where I get to help people, and so much more.
So come at me longing/joy. I’m ready for you.
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| Visiting Tucson is a delight every time. |
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