Thoughts from a Thirty Year Old, pt. 1

My good friend Lauryn sent in a request for this blog: make an alternate version of this 26 Pieces of Life Advice From a 26 Year Old post. Having lacked inspiration to write, I was glad for her idea! I don’t know that I’m sage enough to have 30 meaningful tidbits from a 30 year old, but I can give it a try. This is part 1 of this blog’s first-ever 2 part series.


1. Meet people where they are
I've realized over the last year or two that I've spent so much of my life waiting for people to come to me, meet my expectations, and read my mind. And that's meant I've found myself consistently frustrated, and often disappointed. But what I also realized was that because I wasn't verbalizing my needs, people couldn't pass the test I'd created for them in my mind. It's a harsh reality check to come to understand that when I felt failed by someone, it was because of what was going on with me, not with them.

So I started extending more grace, or meeting people where they were in the hopes that I might be less disappointed. And by trying to meet people where they were (because verbalizing my needs is not something I'm good at), many of my relationships began to improve, and some in pretty dramatic fashion! Yes, it means that sometimes I still get a little bummed when I'd like someone else to take the initiative, or see things through my eyes, or change a behavior. But by making reasonable accommodations to lean in to what works for other people, I see things through the eyes of others a bit more easily, and it has made a tremendous difference.

2. Make manageable goals, especially for things you'd like to do
For about five years, I've been making and accomplishing most of my new year's resolutions. While I've long believed that changing your life can happen at any time, using the calendar year as a natural period of accountability has really worked for me.

I've started focusing these goals on things I'd like to do, often compared to who I'd like to become. But I find that in doing new, exciting, or generally fulfilling things, I'm able to more easily move toward the person I want to be.

One of my goals this year was to scuba dive
again. We dove the kelp forests in CA.

Some examples of fulfilled goals over the last several years include: apply for graduate school, donate a certain amount of money to a charity I value , fast once each month, read 24 books this year and take a class to learn something new.

On the surface, most of these goals don't seem terribly lofty. But by making them manageable, it makes movement in any positive direction easier, and means the joy of success can spur on continued growth in other areas.


3. FOMO is real, but so is stretching yourself too thin
For all of my adult life, I've had the issue of committing to a lot of different things, most of which I find very gratifying. Social commitments, opportunities to serve others, responsibilities at work, etc. But they pile up, often in ways that are quite predictable, but also in ways I can't foresee.

Though I'm as social as they come, cancelling a commitment or saying "no" or "I'll see" at the outset has become something valuable. The fear of missing out (FOMO) is still immensely real, but mitigating burnout by slowing down a bit allows me to keep saying yes to things down the line that matter to me.


4. Learn about someone or something that’s totally new to you
Most of the reading I've done over the last couple of years has been pleasurable fiction. Before that, it was endless academic articles in graduate school, so perhaps I've been overcompensating for that time of my life. But my interest in reading nonfiction changed in 2019 when my book club read an incredible work by Erik Larson.

This summer I chose to pick up Larson's newest book about Winston Churchill. It was an undertaking to finish the book, but it was so interesting to experience a time period and a leadership role up close like that. It made me think about my own struggles and how I face them, and it has since spurred on an increased interest in other elements of the world I haven't spent much time considering (including binge watching The Crown on Netflix, and checking out a biography of George Washington from the library).

5. Don’t live to work
I'm fortunate to have a job that I mostly like! I work with students and try to help them succeed, and it's a combination of my previous training and some natural interests I have in helping-style work.

But that said: the life I live outside of work is of greater significance. How could more hours at the office ever actually do something for me personally in a way that compares to strengthening ties in my family, making new friends, spending time on a beloved hobby, or generally taking care of yourself?

Work is meaningful in many ways. I think I'd be a terrible trust fund kid (but I'd be willing to give it a try!). But what I feel at work can't compare to what I feel when I'm pursuing what I love outside of that world.


6. Be honest and advocate for yourself
There are so many places in this world that we think we can't or shouldn't say what we feel because of the way that thing (I'm thinking mostly about church...) has been explained to us and built around us from a social standpoint. But when these things are built ostensibly for our good, we should acknowledge how they can do good for us and pursue that.

This might be an incredibly niche experience, but I'm thinking about a capacity in which I was asked to serve at church. I said yes, and had many meaningful experiences in that role. But I grew tired of the work after more than a year working in that capacity, and the compounding challenges of that role and many other things in my life were difficult to manage. I asked to be relieved of that role, and was met with resistance from the powers that be.

I'm fortunate to have had allies that supported me, and pleaded my case, but I should have been honest sooner, with myself and others, as well as advocated more thoroughly for my own welfare. I'm blessed to have had those allies, but I know that won't always be the case.


7. Get some feedback
Humans have a tendency to dramatically misunderstand themselves. To make matters worse, we also have a tendency to dramatically over-infer and overreact to what others might think of us. The problem is that the image of ourselves someone else holds up to us is probably more accurate than our own self perception.

Feedback from others is so important in keeping us grounded. Yes, there will be times that feedback comes and is inaccurate. But more often, it will expose us to a greater truth about our character.

Find some feedback and, instead of reacting to what you don't like as a first instinct, choose to listen. Consider its plausibility, and see how it fits into your own understanding of yourself or the events. Then react from a place of fairness and consideration.


8. Send a thank you card

Getting a thank you card is the physical
manifestation of this gif.

People make this world go 'round. And on a more individual level, people make my world go 'round. That includes the woman at my work's HR department who helped fast track some paperwork I'd neglected. It includes that kind couple who recently left my congregation but had an incredible impact on me. It includes the physical therapist I got to know twice a week for two and a half months. From personal to professional, sending a note as a little spotlight on the good that someone brought into your life will help them feel a fraction of what you felt because of their efforts to help you.

9. Take a day off, just because
Sometimes when I was a kid I'd come home from school and find my mom reading on the couch. "Didn't you work today?" I'd ask. "No," she'd reply. And she wasn't home for any particular reason except that my mom didn't live to work, and what else was she doing with all that sick time she'd accrued?

The occasional day off, even if I don't have anything I need to accomplish, feels like an incredible gift to myself, and I never regret the decision.


10. Just send the message already
How many times have you reread an email or text message, fretting about what it says? Sure, there's some consideration to be given to delicate matters, but if it's so delicate, should it be happening via message like this anyway?

I've learned that the worst thing that can happen by sending a message is the receiver will misinterpret it, or tell you "no," both of which can be ironed out with a phone call. So ask for that day off from your boss on email and stick up for yourself (kindly) when you get a sassy text. Either way, just send the dang message.


11. It’s okay to change your mind

This is Kyle and me on top of
Camelback Mountain that day.

My brother and I stood on top of Camelback Mountain, shortly after a recent midterm election cycle.  We had chatted about a lot of different things on our hike before he asked me who I had voted for in Arizona's senate race. I told him I'd selected the moderate Democrat that was challenging the incumbent Republican. "Me too!" he said.

While I've gone on a more intensive political journey in the years since, I learned then that it was okay to change my mind. I'd been a staunch Republican for my whole life until that point, and making a change, whether temporary or permanent, wasn't a poor reflection on my character. Rather, it was an indication that I'm willing to move in the direction that feels best for me. Change feels scary sometimes, but trying to stay true to what you believe certainly eases that stress at the end of it all.


12. Credit card debt is almost always throwing away money
Okay, okay. It's always throwing money away. But let me explain. Last year I got out of credit card debt, and I've managed to stay out of it this whole year (some of my resolutions for 2019 and 2020!). I was fortunate to have never gotten to a place that things were dire, but each time I saw that I was paying $30 or more in interest each month, I couldn't help but think about the groceries, gas, or savings that I didn't have because of it.

I think some periodic, planned expenses (a reasonable trip for your family, or making needed repairs on your home) can make sense if you've got a plan to pay it down and not let it linger too long. Life is short, so make a calculated indulgence every now and then. But otherwise, I don't much care for throwing money in a fire, and that's what credit card interest is.


13. A guilty pleasure should just be a pleasure
I'm putting this here as much as an aspiration as it is a thing I believe. I have some distinct guilty pleasures that I seldom divulge, and each time I tiptoe around them in conversation or reframe them as some anomaly, I feel stupid for thinking that it even matters or that anyone cares. (e.g. "Haha, I was surprised how much I liked that movie/book/song/activity!" No I wasn't. It's just a genre/hobby/style I'm embarrassed to like so much.)

So here's to embracing the things you like, and letting other people in on it!


14. Allow yourself to learn from other people

I recently saw a Tweet from someone I admire online indicating that she won't have a relationship with anyone who voted differently than her in the most recent presidential election. It was the broadest, most partisan brushstroke she could have made to assert that people of a different ideology than her weren't worth her time.

I feel incredibly strongly about the choices in the presidential election this year, and feel immense frustration with folks on the "other side" from me. But the people that voted opposite of me are doing so from the same primal instincts that motivate my beliefs and subsequent vote: we are driven by worry and fear, and also a hope that a candidate can embody our ideals.

Working through the ideals thing will be tough, but by acknowledging the shared stress that is motivating us, I've been able to see others in a more humane, kind way. It's taken so much of the hatred from my heart, and it's been incredibly important to do that work in order to maintain civility and trust with those I care about but who voted differently than me.

15.  Take a walk

I've been joking for several years that I'm geriatric at heart. It manifests in my confusion at the young people in my congregation, and the fact I always order something with toffee or butterscotch from Culver's. And while taking a walk in nice weather always felt like a thing that old people did, I've come to enjoy it a lot.

This year, in lieu of Easter services (darn you, COVID!), I walked for an hour and listened to Rob Gardner's Lamb of God. It was a very moving experience, and one I wouldn't have had if I hadn't gone on a walk. This week I listened to Megan Rapinoe on Fresh Air and came away with a new appreciation for her. Lauryn, the inspiration for this post, walked with me a few weeks ago and we had a wonderful discussion!

Walking isn't just for old people. It's a way for me to connect with others (by music, podcast, or folks right there with me). It's a way to have a sensory experience through feeling the breeze and admiring the plants. And perhaps most importantly, it's a way to escape the confines of my own brain and house.

::

Thanks for reading my many opinions and experiences. Stay tuned for part two!