Some Things You Should Know

The power is out at my house right now, and I'm using my cell phone as a hotspot to type this up. The storm made me think of Mom and how much she liked the monsoons that would roll in off the mountains in the east every summer. I wish I could tell her about it—the darkness in the house, using the flashlight I got for Christmas (she always had a MAG Lite somewhere), that I brought my kalanchoe plant inside so it wouldn't get too beat up. Here's a few other things I wish I could tell Mom:

  • We're doing alright, and I think you'd be proud of us.
  • I really love to sing, and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time being nervous to sing in front of you.
  • You set an incredible example for me in church, and I have tried so hard to magnify every calling the way you would have.
  • I still work in higher ed. I don't love every day at my job, but you can't beat the people or the benefits! (But there are days like today that I do really like what I do.)
  • You never got enough credit for your patience with me. You let me be exactly who I was, and you let me take the time to figure out what that meant. I am so much better for your grace and kindness during some years I imagine you'd have appreciated some clarity from me.
  • I've read a ton of books this year (28 so far!), and I have a few I'd recommend to you. I think we'd have a lot to talk about if we'd both been able to read The Splendid and the Vile.
  • Reading Greenwood made me think about you and your mom. It reminded me how wonderful she is.
  • You did an incredible job breaking a chain that wasn't always very fair to the people farther down the line. I owe you so much for that, and I'm trying to do the same.
  • I grew nasturtiums this winter. They make me think of you every time.
  • I'll grow sweet peas one day, like you did.
  • I wish I could introduce you to my friends. I know they'd love you, and you'd probably like most of them too.
  • Pickleball has been a really fun sport to pick up with some of these friends, and I know you'd have loved to try it out.
  • I miss you. I wish you were here. I can't imagine how Dad feels.
  • Kyle and I are getting closer. I think you'd be really happy about it.
  • Macki is just like you in so many ways (and mostly only the good ones). Watching her at her best is incredible.
  • I can't wait to see you again. I'm so glad to have hope that you're somewhere better than here. I feel so much better knowing that you aren't alone.
  • I sorta swear a lot now. Sorry about that. But I use your favorite one lovingly (except when it isn't particularly loving, hahahaha).
  • Come visit me anytime you'd like, I'll never turn away your company. I hope you'll tolerate the swearing.
It's still dark in my house, and it's getting warm. The winds have died down. But even if we didn't get rain and it's hot now, I'm glad the universe pushed me to think and write, even in disjointed bullets.

I've spent the last few years worrying that I carry around this "dead mom" baggage, that it impacts me more strongly than it has a right to. Whether that's true or not, I'm not sure, but either way, it felt good to share some things I thought you might like to hear.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Maturing

Image
Do you ever say something and then think, "Whoa, that just sounded like dad/mom?" Well, I definitely did that the other day, and I was kind of proud it happened. I've got rockin' parents, if you didn't know. Now you know. :: On a different note, Nicole got married today. She looked stunning. It's sad to see her start this chapter of her life, because we're kind of on different pages now (to keep with the literary metaphor). But the more I think about it, the more that's the way it's meant to be. I'll find myself a good spouse someday, as will all of my friends. We'll all leave each other behind to find bigger and better things in this life, and the only thing left in the end will be an empty stretch of road that we all used to travel together. We'll each replace that stretch that we once took together in favor of individual roads that lead us on to better things. We can chase our dreams a little more fervently when you have that comp...
Read more

Iced Over

Image
This whole post is collection of the stuff that has happened in the last few days. You've been given fair warning as to how random all of this is. Firstly, remember when I posted the other day about how cold it was? Yeah, that was nothing. It got way colder than that. On Wednesday or Thursday, I checked the weather, and with windchill the temperature was 5 degrees. That doesn't happen here! Kelsey, I know you're scoffing again, but that's crazy business! At any rate, I got to wear my big coat with fur, my scarf, and a fun beanie! Also, our fountains froze over! It was totally nuts, but so dang cool to see. The weather has warmed up, but there's still ice out there. Also, remember when I posted about all of our lights that were trying to keep our plants warm? They didn't really work. Most of them are damaged now, and my dad isn't sure how well they'll come back. As he says it, frost-tolerant plants are rarely pretty. That's why we don't own any....
Read more

Substantive

I'm trying to blog something personal and something of value, but I'm having a hard time. Life is just weird right now. I keep waiting for summer school to be over so I can finally feel the relief of not having deadlines. I keep thinking that once I'm free of the class I can focus on the good stuff, the places that my life is headed in the next little while and feel good about it. Ultimately though, I don't really think that's the source of the problem. I think the problem is that my whole life is in flux right now, and I can't do anything about it. People are moving, graduating, getting married, getting mission calls, and all this other stuff that is disrupting the perfect balance that I had achieved in the not so distant past. I had to cope with change not too long ago when everyone graduated high school, friends moved away, we found directions for our lives to take, and did our best to establish ourselves as "adults." Now I'm waiting for a ...
Read more