A Top 20 Exercise in Gratitude
When I was teaching a lesson in church once in the last couple of years, someone remarked that he was trying to be grateful for gratitude's sake, and not just in juxtaposition to the things that he saw other people experiencing. I've long thought about that notion and tried to incorporate it into my life. It's true that comparison puts some things into perspective, in terms of how fortunate we might be. But it also creates unhelpful and unhealthy imbalances in the way we envision our own suffering, our own accomplishments, and our own worth. I'm learning to tread carefully on the comparison thing.
The last several weeks have been unusual, to say the least. As we continue to practice social distancing, I can't help but feel disconnected and long for "normal" life to return. I miss seeing people whenever I wanted. I miss the time that I had a little less dread (although I'd hardly count myself as germaphobic, nor hypochondriacal, so fortunately my dread count isn't all consuming).
I'm also feeling some loss in regards to the control I used to have. I had plans for this year, anticipating a big birthday, wanting to go on some more adventures with my family, etc. I was excited for that stuff, and now I'm learning to let it go. It's not been great, even though I consistently remind myself that the ultimate privilege and blessing is being alive and being able to remain safe, since those adventures won't be possible if I'm dead.
One night several weeks ago, I was having trouble sleeping. That's pretty unusual for me, so I'm always extremely grumpy when it happens. Since I had no where else to go, I was mulling over the 30th birthday party I was planning for myself that's almost certainly going to be postponed now, and I was struck with an idea: name 20 people that have impacted my life during my 20s. So I got on my phone and made that list. I didn't even name my family, who would occupy the top four spots, and was actually quite sad to not have more space—there were a lot of people that have made a real difference in my life during this decade!
That list of 20 people quickly became another list of 20 places I've been, then 20 experiences I cherished, followed by 20 things that were hard (still trying to round out that list—what a gift to have a hard time listing enough hard things!), and finally 20 spiritual experiences that have mattered to me.
While temporarily living in the past with these people, places and experiences doesn't necessarily do a lot for me where I am right now in any practical measures—I can't see these people or go any of these places, after all—I think it's the only measuring stick I can properly use (since anything else would be comparison!) to help spur on an increased measure of gratitude in my life right now.
And you know what? I don't think it put me right to sleep to make that list of people that have impacted my life. But what it did was lighten my heart a little bit. These lists will continue to grow and change over time; that's the nature of life and perspective. And in the same vein, this time of social distancing is just that: a period, one that will come to an end at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it. But a longstanding reality is that life is full of beautiful things, even small wonders that occur during pandemics that remind me how much good there is in my life.
Though it sounds kind of smarmy, I can't help but think of the words of Count Your Many Blessings:
I'm stir crazy. I miss people and places and living life on my own terms. But I'm grateful for so much of what I've seen and done, and to see these lists all in one place like that reminded me just how involved the Lord has been and will continue to be in my life.
The last several weeks have been unusual, to say the least. As we continue to practice social distancing, I can't help but feel disconnected and long for "normal" life to return. I miss seeing people whenever I wanted. I miss the time that I had a little less dread (although I'd hardly count myself as germaphobic, nor hypochondriacal, so fortunately my dread count isn't all consuming).
I'm also feeling some loss in regards to the control I used to have. I had plans for this year, anticipating a big birthday, wanting to go on some more adventures with my family, etc. I was excited for that stuff, and now I'm learning to let it go. It's not been great, even though I consistently remind myself that the ultimate privilege and blessing is being alive and being able to remain safe, since those adventures won't be possible if I'm dead.
One night several weeks ago, I was having trouble sleeping. That's pretty unusual for me, so I'm always extremely grumpy when it happens. Since I had no where else to go, I was mulling over the 30th birthday party I was planning for myself that's almost certainly going to be postponed now, and I was struck with an idea: name 20 people that have impacted my life during my 20s. So I got on my phone and made that list. I didn't even name my family, who would occupy the top four spots, and was actually quite sad to not have more space—there were a lot of people that have made a real difference in my life during this decade!
That list of 20 people quickly became another list of 20 places I've been, then 20 experiences I cherished, followed by 20 things that were hard (still trying to round out that list—what a gift to have a hard time listing enough hard things!), and finally 20 spiritual experiences that have mattered to me.
While temporarily living in the past with these people, places and experiences doesn't necessarily do a lot for me where I am right now in any practical measures—I can't see these people or go any of these places, after all—I think it's the only measuring stick I can properly use (since anything else would be comparison!) to help spur on an increased measure of gratitude in my life right now.
And you know what? I don't think it put me right to sleep to make that list of people that have impacted my life. But what it did was lighten my heart a little bit. These lists will continue to grow and change over time; that's the nature of life and perspective. And in the same vein, this time of social distancing is just that: a period, one that will come to an end at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it. But a longstanding reality is that life is full of beautiful things, even small wonders that occur during pandemics that remind me how much good there is in my life.
Though it sounds kind of smarmy, I can't help but think of the words of Count Your Many Blessings:
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done
I'm stir crazy. I miss people and places and living life on my own terms. But I'm grateful for so much of what I've seen and done, and to see these lists all in one place like that reminded me just how involved the Lord has been and will continue to be in my life.
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