Breaking the Chain

0/10, would not recommend
a broken ankle to anyone.
The cycles of life are at the forefront of my mind tonight. Or rather, my blindness to the cycles of life are what I’m thinking about. The last couple of weeks I haven’t been very happy with where I’ve been spiritually, and it’s been getting pretty frustrating. I spend a lot of time thinking about the things that I ought to change and ways that I could be different, but I’m struggling to break out of my rut and actually do a thing—anything—that will move me away from where I am right now. And surprisingly, I hadn’t really talked to anyone at length about it (truly an unusual occurrence). But I finally felt a little tug, and I went and saw my best friend Eric. He didn’t have the answers, but he was kind and empathetic and it was unquestionably time well spent.

He and I talked about the phases we go through, some of which are of our own doing; we make poor decisions, we avoid certain things or people, we run away from what’s hard, etc. Sometimes it’s just the universe that’s getting us down, and it’s all beyond our control. One way or another, things don’t always go our way. But what I hadn’t been thinking about is how I’ve been here before. Maybe not this exact situation, but a place with feelings so much like what have been in my heart recently. And you know what? I broke free. I did a thing. I got started. And I felt a little better after Eric and I talked, feeling that I can do this! I don’t know quite where to start, but I know that I can, that I’ll have support from here and from heaven, and that it’s effort worth making.

Fast forward to FHE tonight, where I had a good conversation with Rachel about membership in the church. As we rambled about things that hurt, things that are weird, and things that sustain us, I felt so bolstered by our acknowledgements of God's involvement in our lives. I shared with her a couple of experiences I’ve had in the temple that have stood out so singularly, and it was really tender to be reminded of these things I’ve lived—moments that shaped me in meaningful ways—but that I haven’t paid attention to lately. I know what I want my life to be (the parts I’m in control of, anyway). I know what I want to feel. And I’m still a little overwhelmed at just where to begin, but I’m feeling so much more confident that I can do it at all as I consider how involved God has been in my life.

These cycles are real. I can probably expect to feel them in some fashion for the rest of my life. But now that I’m paying more attention, I can start looking for real ways out, instead of whining about it under my breath and hoping that people will put up with how morose I can be.

It's hard to feel sad around my brother.

As all of these things play through my mind, it’s got me thinking about what 2019 has been like overall. This has been a whirlwind of a year, in all of the very best and very worst ways. I started the year on crutches with a broken ankle. But I also started with some new letters at the end of my name after I completed a master’s degree! I felt periodic sadness and confusion at my place in this world. I accepted a new job! The challenge of that new job overwhelmed me. I traveled! I felt my social circle shifting in ways I wasn’t expecting. Friends old and new showed up when I needed to feel loved!

I think you get the picture. Life will always be a mixed bag. That’s sort of the point. But perhaps more critically, it’ll always be up to me to decide what to do with this stuff. It’s up to me to decide when I’m ready to perpetuate a cycle of joy, or break the cycle of cynicism and frustration.

As we head into the final weeks of the year, I certainly feel some panic. I’m staring down the year I turn 30, and I don’t love that for many reasons. But this life has brought me so many beautiful experiences I hadn’t ever planned. And more importantly, as I think about the meaning of this Christmas season, I’m reminded of the triumphant life of Jesus Christ. Though born in humble, even humiliating circumstances, His life is what allows me to find the strength to change. He is the ultimate friend, the perfect brother, and the person that can help me see the cycles and make some changes.

There's work to do to put this all in action, and I honestly don't really love work of any kind. But I can't understate what it means to feel like I can even undertake the beginnings of this change I'm looking for, and have hope that it will yield something meaningful.

So here's to the start of a new cycle.

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