ACCORDING TO ZAC

"I hate feeling broken," I said, as I sat in my car before work this morning. I had missed my normal morning prayer because I had slept in. I wanted to make sure to get a quick prayer in before I got started on the rest of my day. I didn't say much else, but I felt that God was near and that He gets why I feel this way. And I also felt that it would all be okay. I didn't even have to ask to feel better or anything, God just needed me to tell Him that I was hurting and He sent the good feelings and the calm and the love. This life can be so hard. We feel the need to live up to all these expectations that we set for ourselves, that society sets for us, and that God sets for us. The awesome thing is that He knows we can't do it all at once. We will stumble and fall and get so frustrated trying to be what we feel like we are supposed to be. I've learned that I just want to chase what God and I have worked out together to be my path. I get irritated that I can...

They say that if you've charted a course for a particular destination but you're off by even just one degree, you'll travel the requisite time or distance but end up many miles from your intended location. Human error can account for a lot of those moments in our lives—we make wrong career choices, a relationship goes bad, we ignore sound advice from those who know more than we do—and we learn from that. But what I'm consistently finding out is that sometimes Heavenly Father sets the bearings for our journeys, even though we think we're in control. Putting this into words is only hitting me now, but I see how this all started a number of weeks ago when an acquaintance from high school sent me a message on Facebook. This girl was three years younger than me and quite shy. A number of months ago she sent me a message thanking me for having been kind to her years ago. I was shocked she even remembered that I had spoken to her then. I'm just glad I was helpful...

The loss of a parent in a person's life is going to be pretty profound. Even if that person didn't have a strong connection with his or her parent, a mom/dad gives you half of who you are by genes alone. You can't escape that—they helped make you! It's even harder if you loved that parent and were close. I've been thinking about my mom a lot over the last few months, and it's been surprisingly tumultuous. The first six or eight months after she died, I would have a few good days and then be struck suddenly with grief and sadness. And yes, I obviously missed her always , and still do, but the shock and hurt would come and go. It would hit me in random moments and with surprising intensity while I made sense of the fact that she's really gone, not just on a trip or something. Those feelings of intense sadness had mostly faded, and nostalgia and slight longing are what persisted. It was a dull ache that was definitely livable. The last few months, however...

“Hey, will you buy me a sandwich?” the stranger said as I stepped out of the crosswalk and up onto the sidewalk. I hadn’t seen him there, not because I was intentionally disregarding him for any reason, but because I had just come out of the post office and was deciding which way was best to walk back to work during my lunch break. Several things went through my mind really quickly.   First: "I don’t really feel like I have room in my budget to be buying lunch. I intentionally skipped lunch today, both for money and fitness reasons."  Then: "This reminds me of an experience Jenna had, and the way she handled it was so inspiring.   I should emulate that." And last: "The man at the post office just wished me a Merry Christmas as I left the counter. What kind of Christian do I want to be?" This man wasn’t dirty and disheveled like many homeless people, but he wore mismatched clothes and carried nothing with him. The longing in his voi...

A couple of weeks ago I decided to use my freedom as an unemployed adult to drive to Utah and spend some time with the folks that I really love up there. This is Jenna! She is the reason this blog still gets updated, and was the first person I met up with. A few thoughts about the trip: Driving about 25 hours all by yourself in the matter of just a few days gives you way  too much time for self reflection. Northern Arizona and a lot of Utah are both exceptionally beautiful. There's just something different in the air in Provo. I had a bunch of flashbacks to the MTC, and I couldn't shake the nostalgia while I was there. I couldn't decide if that was good or bad. I have the greatest friends ever. Panguitch, Utah doesn't have McDonald's, but it has  gorgeous sunsets and creepy motels . Anyway, the thing that has been on my mind ever since the trip was a quote I heard on a podcast while I was driving the stretch of I-15 between Provo and Beaver (I lov...

They say that when life gives you lemons you make lemonade, right? Personally, I like sweet more than sour, so maybe lemon bars would be a better analogy for me, but the thought is all the same: my life isn't perfect, but it's coming around based on my own efforts. I've been thinking this a lot  the last few days: (I'm rereading The Fault in Our Stars , where this gem of a quote comes from, and it's perfect. Minus the cancer and tragedy. But seriously, it's so good.) Anyway, the awesome part about me saying "WHAT IS THIS LIFE?" this week is that it has been about good things. As in "how the heck did I get so dang lucky?!" I mean, today is my birthday, and that's pretty cool. I've really felt a lot of love, even through generic Facebook wall posts from people I haven't spoken to in a long time. But even better is the love I have felt through the people closer to me (both emotionally and geographically) who have texted, c...

I felt like I was a pretty sensible teenager and that I kept my angst to a tolerable level. I doubt that anyone that knew me in middle and high school would agree with that, but I felt like I was reasonably well-adjusted. Any leftover angst that I didn't use throughout my teenage years manifested itself today when I got laid off from my job. Yep. You read that right. Laid off. I should say right here that I was very blessed to have that job at all. It enabled me to finish my degree, have really excellent health benefits, etc. Not to mention the fact that I really love a lot of the people in the Lunar and Planetary Lab. They're so great. But things are less great when two people you really like have to break the news to you that you're out. It was never the place I thought I'd settle and stay for the remainder of my working life, but it was a steady paycheck and a generally good place. I should also say that getting laid off is a pretty common thing i...